On Friday, I enjoyed my second massage that week. Professional, one-hour massages that I paid to enjoy in a spa. It seemed excessive -- two massages in the space of five days -- but it felt SO GOOD!
I hate to admit this, but I still feel guilty about "indulging" myself and my body through massage and other things people consider frivolous luxuries. I *know* I shouldn't feel guilty about it -- I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT -- but I do. I feel like I need to defend myself and I worry that other people are judging me for treating myself to things that feel good. Here are some of the lines I feel like I always need to have at the ready, or things that I say whenever I mention to anyone (online or offline) that I've gotten (or I'm about to get) more massage:
I know I can't afford it but it's ten dollars off this week. * After all of the hours I spend sitting at the computer working, massage is a necessity to help prevent headaches; I can't afford to have more headaches! * I'm not using OUR money, I'm using extra money I earned from talking to my wanker on the phone. * I know, I'm so *lucky* to have time and money to get massage; some people don't even have three meals a day or work so many hours at three different jobs they never get to spoil themselves that way! * I know massage seems like a luxury, but really it's THERAPEUTIC, just like getting exercise or taking medicine when you're sick.GiveMeSugar.com
is therapeutic, too. It's a project I started for fun but also to confront & deal with these messages of shame that are burned into our brains saying we don't DESERVE to feel good, to possess beautiful things, to have time and stuff all to our individual selves.
When I tell people how much massage I'm getting (not nearly "enough" -- I don't think I could ever have TOO much massage), it's almost like I have to apologize for trying to feel good, as though somehow it's only acceptable to spend an hour having your body rubbed by someone you hired if you insist that you only did it because you feel really, REALLY bad. Like you're not allowed to take care of yourself unless you're totally sick.
I should not feel guilty about giving myself pleasure, or obtaining pleasure from other people who tell me it pleases them to provide it, or from paying someone money to give me pleasure so that I am free to enjoy it rather than obligated to reciprocate or try to guess what the person wants in return. I shouldn't feel the need to demonstrate to other people ways that I've denied myself, scrimped, saved, or worked a million hours to "earn" the right to feel good. I shouldn't feel the need to compare myself to those who are less fortunate than I am and protest that I recognize I'm no more worthy than them, I'm just blessed (and certainly don't DESERVE to be). I shouldn't be limited to only having the NECESSITIES in life. I shouldn't have to explain to people that what I do IS work or list a bunch of sacrifices I've made in order to qualify for pleasure. And neither should any other woman. I actually DETEST hearing women minimize their worth like that, apologizing for behaving in ways or experiencing things they supposedly don't have a RIGHT to do or have or feel.
It's not paranoia that makes me feel judged, it's the truth. Since the advent of the internet, women and especially teenage girls have been judged extremely harshly for "taking advantage" of sugar daddies. Girls with wishlists and webcams and paypal accounts and online donation/tip jars and mailboxes rented under pseudonyms have been criticized, lectured, demeaned, patronized, and blamed for all kinds of stupid things. For getting what they want "the easy way". As though what they provide in return is necessarily "easy" or as if there's something inherently wrong with gaining something without giving up more. As though you should refuse when someone offers to give you something. As usual, women are told we're at fault for benefiting from the weaknesses of men. For upsetting the balance where we're only supposed to be AFRAID of (or submit to) what men want to thrust upon us rather than exploiting it in calculated, unapologetic, gleeful ways according to our own rules. There are men who want to tip the balance back in our favor, too; people who see the system and society's standards as skewed and upside-down and want to restore us to our natural position in which we have what they want, and they pay to (try to) get it. While it may seem dysfunctional to some, it's just a response to and part of the greater dysfunction in the world.
The world growls at women who show pride or a sense of entitlement, "What, does she think she's SPECIAL or something?" "There are a million women just like her; what makes her think she's SPECIAL?"
Women shouldn't have to apologize for recognizing that they are special and behaving accordingly. And yet, we do. *I* still do. So as an exercise in overcoming that, you may buy me massage and spa time ranging from thirty minutes to a whole day of indulgence:
You may also send cash -- MY FAVORITE -- or a gift certificate
to my favorite spa straight to my snail-mailbox:
1240 W. Sims Way #7
P0rt T0wnsend, WA 98368
If I could buy the whole world a massage, I totally would! In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy as many massages as you
will buy me
. And practice not feeling guilty, instead just reveling in every pleasurable moment of having my favorite lesbian massage babe rub hot oil all over me!
Labels: $100 to $300, Deeply Sugared Thoughts, less than $100, Luxury, Pampering, Sensual Pleasure, social stigma, wankers